While updating my main site—markn.ca—I archived a lot of posts. These posts are still available on the site, but they aren’t included in any indices or lists. You have to search for them or use a direct link. For posts that were completely out of date and no longer relevant (specific technical tips, event announcements, posts linked to company work, etc.), but posts that I wanted to keep as part of my larger body of work ended up archived.

To help contextual those posts, I wrote a few summary posts. I want these posts—and others moving forward—to better reflect my voice. I realize that even with my best efforts, I can fall into the “business person” voice a little too easily. I want to be a better writer and a huge step along that path is being more expressive.

My first summary post was, “My years on CBC”.

The first draft wasn’t great. I managed to get the key ideas onto the page, but the length and pacing were off. I also meandered a lot when trying to add personal touches. I had just renewed my Google Workspace plan and remembered that as a part of that Google was forcing their Gemini AI integrations on to everyone.

While I’m not a fan of using generative AI to create writing from bullet lists, I believe there’s a lot of untapped potential is using it as an editor to help clean up one’s own writing. It’s integrated into Google Docs as a side panel and has access to the current document by default. Using my first draft, of the entire post, I started the editing process.

In this post, I wanted to highlight the process of drilling down on the intro. I got a lot out of the editing workflow and wanted to share.

My initial prompt

This document is a blog post that summarizes my experience being a technology expert and columnist on Canada’s CBC network (radio, tv, online). Please evaluate the post as an editor for a publication like the New Yorker. The tone should be personal, but still snappy and concise. What can I improve about this writing?

Gemini’s initial response to the entire post

Here’s an evaluation of your blog post, keeping a New Yorker-esque tone in mind:

Overall Impression:

The piece has a good, conversational voice and a clear narrative arc. It effectively conveys your experience at the CBC and your growth as a communicator. However, it could benefit from tighter prose, more vivid imagery, and a touch more introspection.

Areas for Improvement:

• Opening: The opening is intriguing, but it could be more evocative. Instead of stating “No one would ever believe this,” try showing us the scene and letting the disbelief emerge from the details. For example, you could describe the hockey display in more detail or the specific magazine covers that caught your eye.
• Anecdotes: The anecdotes are good, but they could be more developed. The story about the phishing scams, for instance, could be expanded to include a specific interaction with the CBC reporter or a moment when you realized your advice was flawed.
• Imagery and Sensory Details: The piece could use more sensory details to bring the scenes to life. What did the Air Canada lounge sound like? What did the Tim Hortons tea taste like? Describing these details will help immerse the reader in your experience.
• Pacing and Structure: The pacing is generally good, but some sections could be tightened. For example, the section on your “workflow” could be condensed without losing essential information. Consider varying sentence length and structure to create a more dynamic rhythm.
• Tone: The tone is personal and engaging, which is good. However, at times, it leans a bit too much towards casual. A slightly more refined tone, with a touch of wit and irony, would be more in line with the New Yorker style.
• Ending: The ending is a bit abrupt. Consider adding a concluding thought that ties together the different threads of the piece and leaves the reader with something to ponder. Specific Suggestions:
• Stronger Verbs: Replace passive verbs with active ones to make the writing more dynamic. For example, instead of “I was on CBC regularly,” try “I appeared regularly on CBC.”
• Conciseness: Some sentences could be more concise. For example, “I absolutely loved the challenge of it and got a lot of joy out of helping folks in the region to better understanding specific issues” could be shortened to “I loved the challenge and the joy of helping people understand.”
• Figurative Language: Incorporate more figurative language, such as metaphors and similes, to add depth and texture to the writing.
• Show, Don’t Tell: Instead of telling us you “smiled broadly,” describe the smile and what prompted it. Example of Revision (Opening Paragraph):

Original: It struck me as I looked around. No one would ever believe this.

I could picture in my head chatting with friends while sharing a meal and setting this scene for a story. Anyone listening would take it for artistic license and not an accurate recounting.

But, it was all true.

Revised: The scene was absurd, undeniably so. Surrounded by glossy magazine covers featuring Canada’s who’s-who, a Tim Hortons tea warming my hands, and the faint echo of hockey highlights from a nearby display, I sat in an Air Canada lounge, preparing to broadcast to the province. It felt like a setup for a tall tale, the kind you’d spin over dinner with friends, only to have them chuckle and call it artistic license. But every bit of it was true.

By incorporating these suggestions, you can elevate your blog post from a good personal account to a more polished and engaging piece of writing.

The first draft of the intro

It struck me as I looked around. No one would ever believe this.

I could picture in my head chatting with friends while sharing a meal and setting this scene for a story. Anyone listening would take it for artistic license and not an accurate recounting.

But, it was all true.

Having just passed a hockey display in the hallway, I took a seat in a conference room in the Air Canada lounge. Surrounded by magazine covers depicting Canadians and Canadiana of note, I sipped on a Tim Hortons (tea, not a double-double) waiting to broadcast to the province on CBC Radio.

I giggled quietly, half expecting a Mountie to ride by chasing an errand moose. Or perhaps a Québécois lumberjack struggling to carry a mountain of pancakes covered in fresh maple syrup.

As the time to air drew near, I smiled broadly and enjoyed the moment of levity inside my Canadian cliché.

Rewrite and review

I updated the intro (from this 👆 draft) and asked Gemini, “I’ve rewritten the intro. Does it better reflect the initial feedback?”

1st response focused on the introduction

Yes, the revised opening is a significant improvement! It now has a much stronger sense of place and a more engaging tone. Here’s a breakdown of why it’s better and a few additional tweaks:

What’s improved:

• Vivid Imagery: You’ve added specific details like “Leafs memorabilia,” “magazine covers featuring Canada’s who’s-who,” and “Tim Hortons tea scorchingly hot on the desk.” This helps readers visualize the scene and makes it more immersive.
• Stronger Verbs: Using verbs like “scorching” adds more punch to the description.
• Evocative Language: Phrases like “unbelievable, absurd level of cliché Canadianness” create a more memorable impression.
• Sense of Absurdity: The Mountie and lumberjack imagery effectively convey the surreal, almost dreamlike quality of the experience.
• Emotional Connection: The line “That didn’t diminish my enjoyment of the moment and the smile that stayed with me the rest of the day” adds a personal touch and emotional depth. Possible further tweaks:
• Tightening: You could slightly tighten the sentence about the Mountie and the lumberjack. Perhaps something like, “I half-expected a Mountie on a moose, or a lumberjack with a precarious stack of syrup-drenched pancakes.”
• Sentence Variety: While the imagery is great, consider varying sentence length a bit more for rhythm. Try alternating longer, descriptive sentences with shorter, punchier ones.
• “Cliché Canadianness”: You could consider a slightly more sophisticated way to express this. Perhaps “a tableau of almost comically Canadian imagery” or “a scene so Canadian it felt like a playful exaggeration.” (This depends on the exact tone you want.)

Example of slightly further revised:

“Walking past the display of Leafs memorabilia, I turned the corner, opened the door, and took a seat in the conference nestled in the Air Canada lounge. Surrounded by glossy magazine covers featuring Canada’s who’s-who, a Tim Hortons tea scorchingly hot on the desk, I waited to join the province-wide broadcast on CBC Radio. I giggled quietly, half-expecting a Mountie on a moose, or a lumberjack with a precarious stack of syrup-drenched pancakes. It was a tableau of almost comically Canadian imagery. That didn’t diminish my enjoyment of the moment, and the smile stayed with me the rest of the day.”

Overall, the changes you’ve made are excellent. The opening now effectively sets the scene, establishes your voice, and draws the reader in.

2nd rewrite and review

Taking the feedback into account, I made some edits and tightened up the introduction then asked, “Ok, please check the intro again”

2nd response from Gemini

Here’s an updated evaluation of your intro, now with the full context of the document in mind:

Current Intro: Walking past the display of Leafs memorabilia, I turned the corner, opened the door, and took a seat in the conference nestled in the Air Canada lounge. Surrounded by magazine covers featuring Canada’s who’s-who, a Tim Hortons tea scorchingly hot on the desk, I waited to join the province-wide broadcast on CBC Radio.

I giggled quietly, half expecting a Mountie on a moose or a Québécois lumberjack with a mountain of syrup-drenched pancakes to pass by at any moment.

It felt deeply Canadian. Yes, an unbelievable, absurd, comical amount of Canadianess. That didn’t diminish my enjoyment of the moment and the smile that stayed with me the rest of the day.

Evaluation and Suggestions:

1. Strong Start: The intro remains strong, with vivid imagery and a clear sense of place. The revised language is a good improvement.
2. Tightening and Flow: While good, the second paragraph could be more tightly connected to the first. Right now, there’s a slight pause between setting the scene and your reaction to it.
3. “Canadianess”: I still feel that “Canadianess” can be replaced with a slightly more refined word choice to enhance the tone of the piece.
4. Show, Don’t Tell: Consider “showing” the joy rather than just stating it. The smile is good, but we can build on that. Revised Intro (Example):Walking past the display of Leafs memorabilia, I turned the corner, opened the door, and found myself in a conference room tucked away in the Air Canada lounge. Magazine covers featuring Canada’s who’s-who adorned the tables, and a Tim Hortons tea, scorchingly hot, sat on the desk before me. I was about to join a province-wide CBC Radio broadcast. A giggle escaped me as I imagined, for a fleeting second, a Mountie on a moose or a Québécois lumberjack with a precarious stack of syrup-drenched pancakes strolling by. It was a tableau of delightfully over-the-top Canadian imagery. The absurdity of the moment only amplified my grin, a smile that stayed with me, a warm reminder of the experience, for the rest of the day.

Changes and Why:

• “Found myself in”: Adds a bit more immediacy.
• “Tucked away”: Further refines the sense of place.
• “Adorned the tables”: More descriptive than just “surrounded.”
• “A giggle escaped me”: More active and engaging.
• “For a fleeting second”: Clarifies the nature of your mental image.
• “Delightfully over-the-top Canadian imagery”: A more sophisticated way to express the feeling.
• “The absurdity of the moment only amplified my grin”: Shows the joy rather than just stating it.
• “A warm reminder of the experience”: Adds a touch of reflection.

This revised intro maintains the strengths of your original while refining the language, tightening the flow, and adding a bit more depth. It better aligns with the tone and style I think would suit this piece.

3rd prompt

Made more updates. “Third time’s the charm?”

4th response

Third time’s definitely a charm! Your intro is really solid now, and it sets up the rest of the post nicely. Here’s my final evaluation of just the intro:

Current Intro: Walking past the display of Leafs memorabilia, I turned the corner, opened the door, and found myself in a conference room tucked away in the Air Canada lounge. I chuckled at the framed magazine covers adorning the walls with a who’s-who of Canada. I set my scorchingly hot Tim Hortons tea on the desk and waited to join the province-wide broadcast on CBC Radio.

In that pause, I took a moment of self-reflection and giggled quietly, half expecting a Mountie on a moose or a Québécois lumberjack with a mountain of syrup-drenched pancakes to pass by.

It felt deeply Canadian. Yes, an unbelievable, absurd, comical amount of Canadianess compressed into one moment, but that didn’t diminish my enjoyment. The smile that spread across my face stayed with me the rest of the day.

Final Evaluation:

1. Strong Imagery and Setting: The opening continues to be excellent. You’ve established a clear sense of place and atmosphere. The details about the Leafs memorabilia, magazine covers, and Tim Hortons tea are vivid and engaging.
2. Character and Voice: Your personality comes through clearly. The chuckle and the imagining of the Mountie and lumberjack add a touch of humor and whimsy that is appealing.
3. “Canadianess” Refined: While I had qualms in the past, in the context of the whole paragraph, “Canadianess” works here. The repetition of it emphasizes the feeling very well and I believe leaving it is the best move. It is unique and quirky, which fits your voice.
4. Good Flow: The paragraphs transition smoothly, and the pacing is good. The “pause” is now clearly defined, which helps with the transition between the setting and your internal thoughts.
5. Emotional Honesty: The final sentence, “The smile that spread across my face stayed with me the rest of the day,” is a nice, simple, and honest way to end the intro. It leaves the reader with a positive feeling.

Overall: The intro is now very strong. It’s descriptive, engaging, and sets the tone for the rest of the post. It effectively captures the absurdity and joy of the moment, which is exactly what you want in an opening.

With the intro in such good shape, I suggest focusing on polishing the other sections of your post. Pay attention to the same principles of vivid imagery, strong verbs, and concise writing as you move through the rest.

The results

The original intro:

It struck me as I looked around. No one would ever believe this.

I could picture in my head chatting with friends while sharing a meal and setting this scene for a story. Anyone listening would take it for artistic license and not an accurate recounting.

But, it was all true.

Having just passed a hockey display in the hallway, I took a seat in a conference room in the Air Canada lounge. Surrounded by magazine covers depicting Canadians and Canadiana of note, I sipped on a Tim Hortons (tea, not a double-double) waiting to broadcast to the province on CBC Radio.

I giggled quietly, half expecting a Mountie to ride by chasing an errand moose. Or perhaps a Québécois lumberjack struggling to carry a mountain of pancakes covered in fresh maple syrup.

As the time to air drew near, I smiled broadly and enjoyed the moment of levity inside my Canadian cliché.

The final after 3 rounds of edits:

Walking past the display of Leafs memorabilia, I turned the corner, opened the door, and took a seat in the conference tucked away in the Air Canada lounge. I chuckled at the framed magazine covers adorning the walls with a who’s-who of Canada. I set my scorchingly hot Tim Hortons tea on the desk and waited to join the province-wide broadcast on CBC Radio.

In that pause, I took a moment of self-reflection and giggled quietly, half expecting a Mountie on a moose or a Québécois lumberjack with a mountain of syrup-drenched pancakes to pass by.

It felt deeply Canadian. Yes, an unbelievable, absurd, comical amount of Canadian-ness compressed into one moment, but that didn’t diminish my enjoyment. The smile that spread across my face stayed with me the rest of the day.

You can read the final post over on my main site at, “My years on CBC”.